Difference between Comfort and Love
by january18
Summary: Bella lived a comfortable and predictable life but she wasn't happy. She leaves her life behind in search of her own happiness, but can’t seem to move past her old hang-up’s.
1. Bound to Happen

**Authors Note: If you have this story on alert, you have already read this chapter. I have made a few adjustments, and added in a few things. I joined Project Team Beta, which I heard about on The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster, and I will be submitting what I currently have written to be beta'd. I will then update those chapters here.**

**I went ahead and linked both The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster and Project Team Beta in my profile.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own 3 laundry baskets full of dirty laundry, a blue flashlight, and cherry cordial kisses.**

**Song for this chapter: Bound to Happen, by The Spill Canvas**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

I shoved the last pair of socks into the only available space in my bag. I was going to have to sit on it to zip it. Jake would be here shortly to pick me up and drive me to the airport. He wasn't being very understanding about the whole situation, but I didn't exactly expect him to be.

My move to Seattle had come out of nowhere. Unfortunately, Jake didn't understand my need to change everything in my life. I had come to realizations that he just hadn't made it to yet. It was make or break time for us, and we were definitely broken. Getting to this point hadn't been easy for me, and somehow I had managed to get there before him. I hoped that he would get there eventually, but maybe he needed me to leave to do that.

Jake and I had been together since our freshman year of college, and had somehow managed to keep it together until now. I use the term "keep it together" rather loosely here, as Jake and I have broken up more times than I can recall. Normal people would have taken the hint a long time ago that this relationship would end up hurting both of us, but then again I wouldn't refer to either of us as "normal". Jake and I were masters of our own self destruction. We built each other up just to tear it all down again.

The knocking on my door interrupted my train of thought. I was psyching myself up for this, and damn it all to hell if he didn't have awful timing. I stepped away from my bag and moved slowly to the door. I took a deep breath and turned the handle.

"Hey Jake. Thanks again for doing this."

His response was somewhere between a grumble and a sigh. He moved roughly through the door, and I could tell he was hurting. This was going to kill me.

"Would you mind helping me zip my bag?"

Again with the freaking grumbles. When did he lose his ability to form coherent sentences? Oh, probably when I ripped his heart out. I _have_ heard that tends to take a toll on people's speech.

The rest of my things had been shipped to Seattle the week prior. I had been living on the bare necessities for the last week, and I couldn't wait to get back to MY stuff. I was moving in with my best friends, Alice and Rosalie. They had both moved to Seattle shortly after our college graduation, but I stuck around to be with Jake. They were both ecstatic for my impending arrival. The text messages were coming non-stop, but I was glad someone was excited about this move. I could use a little enthusiasm right about now.

"Car's out front. Go ahead. I got this," Jake grunted.

I let out a sigh, but decided not to push this. I didn't want my last hour with Jake to turn into one of our infamous screaming matches. As much as I knew that we were harmful to each other, I loved Jake fiercely. Leaving him hurt in a way that I hadn't expected it to, but it was a hurt I could live with. I had always been a people pleaser. I constantly placed other people's happiness above my own. Jake and I were fooling ourselves if we thought this was happiness. We weren't happy. I decided I was ready to make myself happy; I was tired of living for everyone else. Making this move was the best way to break this habit. My happiness in Seattle depended on no one but me.

Jake's VW Rabbit sat rumbling outside of my apartment building. The door creaked as it opened and I plopped down into the front seat. Jake followed quickly behind me, tossing my bag in the back with more force than was absolutely necessary. He got in the car and we began our road to the end.

The silence was maddening. Typically conversation between Jake and I was easy and flowing. Today wasn't typical, and neither was the amount of conversation. I decided to take it somewhere that I knew would end badly, but as I said, we were masters of our own self destruction. I was out to destroy and leave nothing behind.

"Talk to me. Say something. "

"What is there to say? You are leaving me for absolutely no reason."

"Jake I told you. I have to do this. I am not happy here. I need a change."

"Clearly. More than you need me."

"It's not like that. We both know this has been a long time coming."

"Fuck that, Bella. That's bullshit and you know it! You may have been thinking about this for awhile now, but I had plans for us."

Now it was my turn to call bullshit.

"Bull-fucking-shit, Jake. Don't you dare act like you had plans for us. We have been dating for five fucking years, and this relationship is at a standstill. There is no progress."

I was certain Jake's "plans" involved our Tuesday evening dinners at the local Mexican food restaurant, our Friday evening movie rental and popcorn, or perhaps sex on Sunday afternoons. We were predictable, stagnant, and unchanging. I was tired of it.

"Done," Jake called out loudly, "I am done with this conversation." With that statement he sent the radio blaring louder than I thought it could possibly go.

Jake pulled into the parking garage at the airport, which surprised me. Part of me expected for him to pull up to the departure curb, and tell me to get the hell out, but Jake got out of the car and got my bag. He was already around to my side of the car by the time I had opened the door. Jake's mood had changed since our conversation; his eyes held a pain that I knew very well. I almost gave up right there, but then I remembered feeling that pain every time we fought. It just wasn't worth it. We began walking towards the check in. Jake held my hand gently and pulled my bag behind him.

We arrived at the counter and I checked in for my flight. My bag weighed a startling 49.9 pounds, only .1 away from having to pay for an over-weight bag. Finally something was going to go my way. We reached the end of the security line sooner than I had hoped.

"Alright, Jake. This is it."

Jake rested his forehead against mine, but looked down at his shoes.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Bells?"

"It's what I need."

"I am going to fucking miss you."

I closed my eyes to avoid what I knew was coming, hoping that this simple action would stop every ounce of pain that was about to hit me.

"I'll miss you too, Jake."

His head tilted suddenly, and I opened my eyes.

"I love you. God, you have to know that. I love you." His eyes were pleading with me. Screaming, DON'T DO THIS. I wished for a moment that he could have shown an ounce of this passion in the last five years, then maybe I could talk myself into sticking around. The only time I had seen this kind of passion in him was when he was fighting with me or working on cars. I couldn't evoke that from him, except for when we were screaming at each other.

"I know. I love you too, always will." With those words Jake leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead. His lips lingered there momentarily, and then he released me. He backed away slowly now. I moved to take my spot in line. I removed my shoes and placed them in the bucket. I made the mistake of turning back to look at him. It was then that his words hit me. Jake didn't think that I knew that he loved me. His words rang in my ears, _I love you. God, you have to know that. I love you. _My feet began to move, but my heart stopped them. Even if every part of my body was willing me to go back and hold him one last time, show him that I knew he loved me, and just how much I loved him. My heart knew better. Jake and I had torn each other up enough to know that we needed to let go. That didn't make this pain any more bearable though.

I turned to look in enough time to see Jake walk away. Our fate was sealed, and we were done. As I walked through the metal detector, I left it all behind. Something was waiting for me in Seattle, maybe it wasn't love but it was worth everything I was giving up. I was sure of it.


	2. The Bitch Song

**Authors Note: Here we go again. Still new. Beta'ed by PTB (lovin' this by the way), link in profile. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own a bottle of Bitch wine (2005), homemade tortillas, and a crackberry.**

**Song for this Chapter: The Bitch Song, by Bowling for Soup.**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

I had been in Seattle for a week now and I was only managing. Even though it was my choice to leave everything behind, that didn't make it easy. I missed Texas and Jake, but I was determined to work my way through this. I had to constantly remind myself that Jake and I were detrimental to each other's happiness and both of us deserved to be happy. I tried to push everything that I was feeling aside, and put on my happy face. When I was in school, my professors always told us that even on our worst days we had to tape a smile onto our faces and make the best of it. They liked to use the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it." It worked for me then, and it would work for me now.

Living with the girls came easier than expected. Even though I had lived on my own for quite awhile, and Rose and Alice had always lived together; throwing me into the mix didn't seem to bother anyone. Alice, Rose and I divided up the household duties, and we seemed to complement each other well as roommates. Rose was an excellent cook, and I didn't cook anything that didn't come out of a box. Alice was meticulous in her cleaning routine, and the broom and I just didn't get along. I took on the laundry which I didn't mind; living with two other girls the laundry wasn't so bad. We were so much cleaner than guys. Also, I only had to deal with Rose's and my laundry, because Alice wouldn't let me touch hers. She has some kind of designer Italian bullshit that had to be washed on the 3rd day of the month when the clock struck exactly 11:52 p.m.

The upside of being a complete downer was that I didn't have to deal with other people while I sorted my shit out. I managed to get all of my stuff unpacked and in order in less than two days, and spent the rest of the time moping around. However, today I had decided that I needed to get it together. I needed a job, and some semblance of a social life outside of the apartment.

I am a certified teacher, but moving to a new state in the middle of the summer left little time to find a job. Plus, I wasn't certified to teach in Washington yet. I decided to comb the school district's website in search of a paraprofessional position. This particular job gave me time in the classroom, even if I wasn't a teacher, so that I didn't lose touch with the education world. It would also let me have the freedom to settle into my new life here in Seattle, and find my bearings. I eventually found a position listed on the school districts website and submitted my resume.

When Alice and Rose made it home from their respective jobs that evening; I poured us each a glass of wine and we sat together to wind down. It was so nice to just be able to sit, drink, and talk about everything that had happened in our separate lives during the day. These girls had been such a huge part of my life for so long, and I had missed them. After a bit of small talk, Alice went to change out of her work clothes. Rose had changed immediately upon arriving home, and I was still in my lounge clothes.

I took a sip of wine. "I sent my resume in to the school district today. I am not holding my breath though; I am way over-qualified for the position."

Rose turned and gave me "the bitch face". "I am so over this pessimistic bullshit attitude Bella. It's been a week. Put on your big girl panties and move on with your life."

This is why I loved Rose; Not only did I expect her blatant honesty, I needed it. I knew I was being childish about all of this, because it was my decision to leave my life in Texas behind. I knew it would be hard going in, but I hadn't let that stop my bitching. Today I had felt a shadow of my former confidence, and Rose's words were just the kick in the ass that I needed to keep going.

I jumped off of the barstool that I was perched on, and walked into the kitchen. I gave Rose a quick kiss on the cheek. "And that, Sunshine, is why I love you."

Rose's face softened slightly, "Shut the fuck up and pour me some more wine."

"BELLA!" Alice shrieked.

Shrieking in an ear-splitting pitch that should be reserved for one of two cataclysmic, life-changing events: winning the lottery or the end of the world. Unfortunately, Alice tended to use it when she was angry.

I walked in the direction of her shrieking wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve this? I thought back over the last few days. I had wiped the bread crumbs off the counter after I made my sandwich. I didn't even wipe them onto the floor; I wiped them into my hand and then put them in the trash can. Maybe it wasn't me, maybe something was wrong….

"Alice? What's wrong, hun?"

Red-faced and furious, Alice marched into the kitchen. The look on her face was scary. Fight or flight was kicking in and I was ready to turn tail and run, but I couldn't seem to be able make my feet move. I stood there cowering in frightened horror as the tiny terror moved towards me. I turned to Rosalie looking for help, but the strength of her laughter had driven her nearly to tears. Ugh, this was NOT funny.

"WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG?" she shouted, "YOU PUT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL ON BACKWARDS! AGAIN!"

I had put the toilet paper roll on, but I was sure someone would be able to get the toilet paper off of it. The wrong way? She should be happy that I even did it at all.

"There is a wrong way?" I asked meekly. At that statement Rose fell to the floor in a puddle of giggles and tears. Why had no one informed me of this?

She seemed to have calmed down minutely. "Yes there is a wrong way. Bella, the toilet paper needs to hang down in the front. It is easier to tear off, and you don't have to go searching for the end."

Oh yes. The hunt for the end of the toilet paper is always so taxing. What a fucking genius Alice is.

I decided now was not the time to be sarcastic, "Ok, Al. I will put the toilet paper on correctly next time."

"Thank you, Bella."

Rosalie seemed to have pulled herself back together. "Our first official Wine Wednesday will not be full of shrieking and toilet paper arguments, Brandon. Sit your ass down and drink some wine!"

Wine Wednesdays were a tradition that had started back in college. We had never missed one, and it made sense to start them up again now that we were all under the same roof. We tried to pick wines with obscure titles, or interesting pictures on the labels. If the name of the wine seemed to fit our feeling for that day, we would snap it up. It was Rose's turn to pick up the wine this week. This week we were drinking "Bitch". It seemed fitting for all parties involved.

"Ok, ladies. What am I cooking for dinner?" Rose asked.

"Pizza, breakfast tacos, take-out Chinese, and cupcakes are what sound good to me." I stated matter-of-factly.

Rose and Alice stared back at me with looks of disgust on their faces.

"Listen, I have had a rough week. I'm going to eat my feelings and you two are doing it with me. Comprende?"

They both nodded in agreement. They had been very accommodating, and I am sure they were hoping I was finally rounding a corner here. Alice picked up the phone and placed the take-out and pizza order. Rose got to work on cupcakes. Breakfast tacos were out of the question because we didn't have decent tortillas, and I wasn't so depressed that I would eat that store bought shit.

"When did you become such a tortilla snob, Bella?" Rose asked.

"Jake's mom made them fresh every Sunday and he would always drop some off to me on Sunday evenings. Once you eat the real deal, you can't go back. You just can't." I managed to subdue the twinge of pain that sprang up as I spoke of our life together.

Rose finished frosting the cupcakes while Alice and I set up the pizza and the take-out food on the coffee table. We sat Indian-style around the coffee table and dug in to the junk food festival that was in front of us.

Rosalie looked questioningly at the table in front of her, "Wait a second, where is the wine? It would be awful to be dehydrated after this junk food fest."

Alice hopped lithely to her feet to grab our glasses and the second bottle of wine. She popped the cork, and poured us each a very generous portion of wine. I would be drunk off my ass and full of processed hydrogenated fantastic-ness at the end of the evening. Perfect!

We started in on the cupcakes first because we didn't want to be so full that we couldn't eat them. Funfetti cupcakes were our favorites, with chocolate frosting. Just as we were moving on to the second course of this fine meal, Rose's phone buzzed.

"Mother fucker," Rose's mouth just got dirtier with the amount of wine she poured into it. "It's work; I gotta take this."

"No prob. We'll wait." Alice responded and then she turned to me. "So Bella, how do you feel about going out this weekend?"

I took a deep breath. I wasn't so sure that I was ready to deal with this yet. I definitely wasn't ready to put myself back on the market….

"I don't know, Allie. I'm just not sure that I am ready to throw myself back out there. That shit with Jake was heavy and it has taken a toll. Maybe I am just not cut out to date."

"Bella, I am not asking you to marry anyone. Let's just go out. Dance. Drink. Have fun!"

Rose marched back in with an irritated look on her face. "Honestly, I wonder how people manage to survive into their twenties when they can't even keep their deadlines straight. What did I miss?"

"Alice wants to go out this weekend. I just don't think I am ready to get back into all that shit."

"Bella, we are fucking going. Don't argue. Be ready on Friday night at 6."

I swirled lo-mein noodles around my fork. "Fine. I don't feel like arguing with you anyway."

"See, Al. You just gotta tell her. She will never be ready if we don't push a little."

And there it was. Friday night at 6 o'clock I was being pushed into getting my dance on. There was no way this would turn out well…


	3. Mona Lisa

**A/N: I had planned to get to the whole trip to the club, but this tumbled out instead. Still new. Desperately seeking Beta. Came close to giving up on this whole thing, but I kinda like it. If I totally suck let me know. Reviews= Awesome.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own a tiny hangover, snowman pajama pants, and ticket stubs from a Blue October concert.**

**Song for this Chapter: Mona Lisa by The All-American Rejects**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

_Here's another pity there's another chance  
Try to learn a lesson but you can't.  
If we can burn a city in futures and in past,  
without a change our lives will never last.  
Cause' we're going fast._

What a wonderful sound to wake up to. My iHome alarm clock was crooning to me in a soft but beautiful way. One of the smartest purchases I had ever made. Not a morning person didn't even begin to describe me. On the fateful day that I had purchased said docking station, I had been rudely awoken to Juvenile's, _Back that Ass Up,_ blaring on my alarm clock radio. I assure you that 6:30 a.m. is much too early for anyone to back their ass up.

I laid motionless in my bed staring at the bold red numbers on the clock. I hadn't had to wake up this early since moving to Seattle, and it seemed almost cruel to do so on a Friday. Fortunately, I had gotten called in for an interview on the paraprofessional job I had submitted my resume for.

Just as the song came to an end, I rolled out of bed. I blew a tiny kiss to my second favorite electronic device and jumped in the shower. I turned the shower on, and watched as the steam enveloped my tiny bathroom.

I had woken up early enough to allow myself to take a leisurely shower. I let the hot water ease every ounce of tension out of my body. I washed my hair, shaved my legs, and exfoliated. The smell of my favorite body wash filled the room, and I found myself incredibly relaxed and amazingly content with my life.

I dried off quickly with a towel and poked my head out of the bedroom door.

"Hey Allie. Would you mind to help me pick out something to wear to my interview today?" I had some making up to do after the "toilet paper" fiasco.

Her amber eyes lit up. It made me smile to know that something as small as this could give her such joy.

She bounced into the closet and returned with a pencil skirt and a blue button down blouse. The smile suddenly turned upside down.

"Bella, you don't have a decent pair of pumps. And you can't borrow anything of mine because….."

"I have clown feet. Well thanks Al."

"Oh wait. Let's check Rosalie's closet." Her tiny feet pitter-patted down the hall. Rose let loose with a string of curse words. Rose wasn't a morning person either, she also hated people going through her stuff.

"Brandon, what the hell are you doing? Get your perky ass outta my closet before I…."

"Done." Alice peeped before Rosalie could finish her bold statement.

She skipped back into my room with a beautiful pair of black peep toe stilettos. I had a thing for shoes, even though they turned me into a wobbling idiot. I loved stilettos, but stilettos did not love me. I chose to wear them anyways.

I finished up with my hair and make-up and walked into the kitchen.

"Sweet Jesus, Bells. You look fan-fucking-tastic." Rosalie's use of expletives this early in the morning brought a smile to my face.

"Well thanks Sunshine. You look like fucking perfection as well."

There were three travel mugs set out on the counter. Alice's was pink, Rose's was red, and mine had polka dots. I picked mine up and walked to the freezer to put some ice in.

Alice frowned at me. "Bella, carbonated beverages are not good for you in the morning. They aren't good for you at all really."

"It's too early in the morning for lectures on healthy habits Alice. And I have to have my Diet Coke before I can form coherent thoughts."

Alice finished preparing her tea, and Rose poured her black coffee into her mug. I finished pouring my diet coke into the mug, and turned to both of them.

"Alright chickies. Wish me luck."

"Luck." They said simultaneously. I waved goodbye and made my way out to my car.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Traffic was horrendous.

Luckily I had left early and the traffic hopefully wouldn't make me late. There was only one good thing about being stuck in traffic, people watching. Jake used to call it being nosey, I prefer highly observant. People were interesting, especially when they were in their cars. It was almost as if they forgot that people could see in their windows. As if lost in their own private world, they dropped the façade and allowed themselves to be who they truly were. Ninety nine percent of the time, the things I saw were funny but occasionally I would catch a glimpse into someone's world. I turned away in those moments it was like listening to someone's secrets. To the left of me was a silver minivan. The mother in the front seat looked calm and serene, and I concluded that she must be wearing ear plugs. The back seat was the scene of a frat party for tiny people. The windows were covered in doctors' office stickers and had finger smudges everywhere. I watched as a young boy leaned out of his booster seat and licked the window, then promptly turned around and whacked the tiny girl next to him on her head. On my right was a teenage girl in a red truck. She spoke animatedly into her cell phone, while applying her eye liner. That was talent. Some agent should scoop her up ASAP.

I glanced into my rear view mirror and the sight sent me into instant hysterics. He was a sight to behold in his green car. He was totally jammin' out. His bronze hair swayed back and forth as he bounced in his seat to the music. I couldn't even make out the words he was singing his movements were so erratic. Just as I thought the situation had reached the peak of hilarity, he started doing the cabbage patch. Tears were running down my face, and my make up would be completely ruined. Traffic began to move, and the Car Dancer switched lanes.

As I watched him move slowly out of my sight, the sadness crept in. I wanted to be that uninhibited, that free, that happy. I wanted to dance in my car like no one else could see me, and not care when I remembered that they could.

_Pull it together, Bella_, I told myself sternly.

I continued to follow Car Dancer for a good 5 miles. His enthusiasm was contagious, and I felt myself bouncing along to the music playing in my car.

I pulled into the parking lot at the school with 5 minutes to spare. I took a few deep breaths and made my way inside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To say the interview had gone well, would be the understatement of the year. The principal, Mrs. Clearwater, was incredibly sweet and very understanding. We spoke animatedly about my experience and what I felt I could bring to the position. I left feeling confident and in control of my life for the first time in….. forever.

Alice and Rose wouldn't be home until around 5 and I didn't have to be ready to go out until 6. I had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my day.

The drive back to the apartment was uneventful. My thoughts strayed back to my Bronze-haired, car dancing buddy. Clearly, he had a day job, because he wasn't be-bopping down the road at 12 p.m. I silently scolded myself for even entertaining the idea of seeing him again.

I made my way into the apartment and decided to just decompress until this evening. This would truly be my first time to a club since college. I was a little apprehensive to be throwing myself into that particular social scene.

I plugged my headphones into my iPod and sank into a chair on the balcony. The weather in Seattle hadn't taken a toll on me yet. I was enjoying the vast difference between Washington and Texas. It was misting slightly, and a cool breeze was blowing. I let myself drift into my thoughts.

The move hadn't been as difficult as I had expected. It was like ripping off a band-aid. It hurt, and I had tried to distance myself slowly from Jake. We were already so far apart that it wasn't working. I had to rip it off, and it had to be done quickly. It hurt, and continued to sting for the week after I arrived in Seattle. Jake hadn't made the effort to contact me, and I thought it best that I leave him alone. I hoped he would understand the reasons behind my leaving, at some point.

I was incredibly lucky to have Alice and Rose in my life. We were completely different people, but we just seemed to fit well together. They brought out sides of me that no one else could, and I did the same for them. I was glad that we had managed to keep in touch after college. My girls had pulled me back together. I was feeling confident, put together, content, and an incredible sense of belonging.

I continued my time on the balcony mentally preparing myself for this evening. I wasn't ready for dating or a relationship. I would be the wing-girl this evening. Alice, Rose, and I had a system for scaring the creeps away in college. When one of us flashed the sign, which to anyone else would look like we were just scratching our ankle, the other swooped in. Handholding, kisses on the cheek, and pet names ensued until the jerks were properly convinced that we were "together".

Eventually I made my way back into the apartment and began the process of getting ready. By the time Rose and Alice made it home, the contents of my closet covered most of the apartment and I was sitting baffled in the middle of it all.

Alice's eyes looked to the left and right, "Bella?" she asked cautiously, "What happened?"

Rosalie look extremely annoyed. "Can't you see Alice? Her closet threw up all over the apartment. Fucking Exorcist style."

"I have nothing to wear." I stated plainly.

"No shit Sherlock, the apartment is currently wearing everything you fucking own," Rosalie stated as she kicked a pair of grey slacks to the side.

Alice flitted to my side and tucked her tiny hand underneath my elbow. "Fortunately, your hair is already done. Go freshen up your make-up and meet me in your room."

I made my way to the bathroom, and re-applied the necessities. I grabbed my lip gloss and powder to throw in my purse. Laying on my bed was the outfit the Alice expected me to wear tonight. A pair of black tights, a blue jean mini skirt, and a black cap-sleeve lace top. Sitting on the floor just below were a pair of black t-strap peep toe pumps. I put the clothes on, and checked myself out in the mirror. Alice was a genius.

I stumbled out of my bedroom, the shoes and I were already having issues. Rose wore a black satin jewel necked dress, and Alice was wearing dark blue skinny jeans and a flowing cream colored top. We would be a force to reckon with this evening, and I could see my wing-girl duties coming in handy.

Rosalie shouted, "Where the fuck is Jose?!"

This had also been a tradition since college. We had become BFF's with Jose Cuervo. I pulled down three shot glasses as Alice pulled down the first boy we had ever loved. Jose was good luck in the beginning of our evenings, and bad luck at the end.

Rose poured each of us shots of tequila, and we raised our glasses.

Alice started, "To friends: as long as we are able"  
And we all finished together, "To lift our glasses from the table."

The sound of our glasses clinking together resounded in my ears as I tried once again to push back the nervous feelings that threatened to overwhelm me.


	4. Just Dance

**A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. Reviews are better than Mexican martini's.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own four Easter egg's, 22 pairs of flip-flops, and some Diet Coke.**

**Song for this Chapter: Just Dance by Lady GaGa.**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

**Edited (4/15)- Working on next chapter. While I was re-reading this one, I didn't like the wording at the end. I changed it a bit. Needa Beta.**

The base pumped loudly through the tiny club. We had been instantly separated from the moment we walked in the doors. The club was packed, and the only clear space seemed to be around the bar in the back.

The vibrations of the base seemed to set the pace of my heartbeat. I could feel it in my chest and it hummed through my entire body. I felt incredibly alive, and in serious need of a drink.

I sat down on a wooden stool and attempted to get the bartenders attention. Failing miserably, I turned to make sure I could see Alice and Rose. On the far right of the room Alice came in to clear view on the right hand side of the room. She was chatting animatedly with a large group of people. Rose was about five feet away talking to the DJ, with her best bitch-face on. I would put money on the fact that she was explaining to him how disgusted his choice in music made her.

I turned my attention back to the bartender, who still hadn't acknowledged my presence. As much as I hated to do this, I really needed a drink. I leaned over the bar, pushed my shoulders back, and cleared my throat. The bartenders head immediately turned in my direction, and as soon as he caught a glimpse of the girls his eyes stayed fixed on me. He sauntered over to me, and leaned down to meet my eyes.

"Hi," I whispered sweetly.

"This is totally unnecessary darlin'," he drawled as he motioned with his pointer finger in a circular motion beginning at my face moving to my chest and then back to my face, "I would have been with you in a moment."

I sat back in my seat. "I need a drink."

"What can I get ya?"

"Can you make a Mexican martini?"

"Aw… sweet thang, you picked up on the accent. Of course I can."

"That's what I want."

He set to work combining lime juice, orange juice, cointreau, tequila and sprite. He shook it gently and set it in front of me.

"Be right back beautiful, we are all out of olives."

A mexican martini wasn't perfect until it had olives, so I poured the liquid heaven into my glass and waited patiently.

He came back with a tiny bowl of olives and one of those little plastic swords. Traffic at the bar had died down, and he stayed in front of me.

"So, where in the south are you from?" I asked, stabbing three olives with the tiny pink sword.

"Texas. The San Antonio area to be exact."

I took a sip of my drink, and my eyes shot up in surprise.

"This is perfect! God, I have missed these."

"I worked at Trudy's for a little while."

"You lived in Austin? That's where I am from, or was from," I trailed off hoping he would just let that one go.

"No need to get into it darlin'. Austin's cool, but I have learned to love it here. What's your name?"

"Bella. You?"

"Jasper. Nice to meet ya." Someone began to wave obnoxiously at the end of the bar and Jasper turned to make his way down to where they stood.

I stirred the olives around in my glass and took another sip of my drink. My mind began to wander to Austin and all of the things I loved there. I began to wonder if Jasper would cut me off at only two Mexican martinis, just like at Trudy's. I had never been able to make it past two, but tonight seemed like a good night to give it a shot.

Just as I was losing myself in my thoughts, someone bounced onto the stool next to me. My eyes shifted slightly to the right, and I noticed the bronze haired man sitting next to me. I had watched him dance in his car this morning. I decided to keep this to myself and pretend I had never seen him before. I mean how creepy would that be. _Oh, I know you. I watched you cabbage patch in your car on I-5 this morning, but I swear I am not usually this creepy._

Suddenly he was speaking to me. His voice came out soft and sweet and cool. Then I realized I was so busy losing myself in the tone of his voice, that I had completely missed what he had said.

"I'm sorry. Wh-what did you say?" I needed to get it together, I was already losing myself in him. I needed friends right now, not a boyfriend.

"I was just wondering what it took to get this guys attention?" He motioned toward Jasper with his left hand. I noted that he wasn't wearing a wedding band, and immediately chastised myself for it.

I had managed to do it earlier, but didn't exactly want to share that information with him.

"I'm not exactly sure. I must have just gotten lucky." Oh shit. What did I just say? I haven't gotten lucky in….. _Head in the game, Bella, head in the game._

"Well, what are you drinking?

"A Mexican martini."

"I've never heard of that, are they any good?"

"Fantastic. You have to be careful though, they kind of sneak up on you."

"I will take that into consideration."

I began to sip a little faster on my drink, suddenly feeling the need to remove myself from this situation. Jake really was the only guy I had ever dated. The thought of starting all over again scared me. I whole-heartedly believed that I was to blame for the demise of Jake and I's relationship. I hadn't had good relationship role-models growing up, and I was pretty sure I was damaged goods. Relationship wise, at least.

Jasper made his way back down the bar. He turned to me first, "How is the drink?"

"Perfect. Thank you."

He then turned his attention to the man sitting next to me, "What can I get ya?"

"I'll have what she is having."

My hand shot to my ankle. My eyes frantically searched the room for Alice or Rose. I scratched furiously.

Jasper tipped his head to the side, "You alright, Bella?"

"Uh, yeah. Just an itch on my ankle," I said as I continued to scratch furiously.

Jasper delivered the man's drink. Car-dancer turned to look at me, "Well Bella, it was nice to chat with you. I'm Edward by the way."

"Oh yeah. Nice. Right." Inside my mind I was chanting, chill, chill, chill. Clearly he didn't want to take this anywhere. It was odd, the idea that he would want me like that, scared the shit out of me. The idea that he didn't want me like that, made me feel unwanted. I was wrestling with these two ideas, but only wanted one to win.

He picked up his glass and turned to walk away, just as Alice made her way to me.

"I came as fast as I could. Where is he?"

"Gone," I choked out before I downed the rest of my martini and promptly ordered another one.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Rose, Alice, and I eventually all ended up hanging out around the bar. Jasper seemed to have taken a liking to Alice, so the drinks were flowing freely.

I was drunk. I was more than drunk. My cheeks were flushed red and my toes were tingling. I knew this feeling, but I continued to sip on my rum and coke. I was listening to Rosalie explain her dislike of Hannah Montana.

"Listen, I will be the first to admit that I was mind numbingly self absorbed in high-school. Some might even say idiotic, but I think even _**I**_ would notice that the international teen sensation on the cover of People was just my best friend in a bad blonde wig!"

At this statement, I nearly fell off of my stool laughing. "You have a point," I managed to squeak through my giggles. "It is a T.V. show though, so it doesn't necessarily……" My attention was gone, because the song had just changed.

The base pumped through me sending liquid courage coursing through my veins. I felt inebriated, emboldened, uninhibited, and I wanted to fucking dance.

I grabbed the girls hands and began to pull as I explained this need to them. "We HAVE to dance. NOOOOOWWWW."

"Someone is drunk," Rosalie stated plainly.

"Someone drank their weight in Mexican martini's this evening," Alice said as she hopped on one foot attempting to fix the strap on her shoe while I continued to drag her onto the dance floor.

"Someone is standing right fucking here!" I said.

We had made it to the dance floor and the reaction was immediate. Our bodies began to move rhythmically. Our hands were a tangled mess as we danced together. Hips swaying and heads bobbing as the beat dictated our every move.

Alice's bubbly laugh tumbled out of her tiny mouth, and Rose was smiling. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to get lost in the sea of bodies surrounding me. My arms went up over my head and my hips continued to move back and forth.

There were people everywhere, but I couldn't seem to make myself care. I let the music control my moves. Even when I felt someone slide in next to me, my eyes stayed closed. I allowed the music to exhibit the complete control I had given it over my body. Our hips began to move together, almost in sync.

I turned suddenly, eyes still closed, and felt large hands on my hips. My eyelids fluttered open, and I was lost in a sea of green and bronze. I knew who this was, but I couldn't seem to recall the fear I had felt earlier. Then the bronze and green shifted to the right and I heard someone whisper in my ear.

"You were right. They really do sneak up on you." Was he talking about these feelings? The overwhelming need I felt to pull him closer. This feeling was so strong in contrast to the need to remove myself from the situation.

"Mmmmmhmmmm," is all I could manage. His lips were so close to my ear, and we were still moving together. I was struggling to keep myself upright at this point.

"Bella babe," Alice's voice whispered. "We are gonna go home sweetie."

"Can I help you get her outside? She seems to be having a hard time staying upright," his velvet voice spoke still dangerously close to my cheek. He had noticed the effects that the alcohol and my shoes were having on me.

"That would be wonderful."

His arm slid around my waist and curved perfectly just below my hip. I leaned into him instinctually.

We made our way carefully out to the sidewalk. Velvet voice placed me carefully next to Rosalie, and moved to back away. I motioned for Alice to lean in to me.

"Alice," I whispered. "I'm gonna need you to give him my number. 'kay?"

"Bella, probably not a good idea. You're drunk."

"Just doooooo it. Alice."

I watched through hooded eyes as Alice moved towards Edward. They had a brief conversation and I noted that no one took out a pen or paper. Maybe he had a good memory.

As we began our walk, I turned to look back at him. He looked unbelievable in the mix of moonlight, streetlights, and mist. It was almost heartbreaking, because I knew I could never be with him. Even drunk I knew I could never make it in a relationship. He watched me walk away hoping we would meet again soon, and I walked away knowing that a "we" just wasn't possible.


	5. Stay

**A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own 1 bag of all black jelly beans, an ivory finger tip veil, and a Strawberry Special K bar. I'm gonna do it. I am begging for some reviews or perhaps even an acknowledgement that you read. It could look like any of these three things:**

**You kind suck at this. Perhaps writing isn't your thing.**

**This is fantastic. Write more. NOW!**

**Today for lunch I had….**

**Pick your poison my friends, just let me know you are reading.**

**Song for this Chapter: Stay by Gavin Degraw**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

I have terrible luck, or am just screwed in general. You would think that in a town where the weather is overcast 266 days out of the year, it could cut you a break on the day you have the largest hangover of your life.

Sunlight is shining through my curtains, barging into my sanctuary like an unwanted and uninvited guest.

My blanket is pulled over my head, but that is uncomfortable and hot.

I throw the blankets off, and manage to knock over the glass of water someone so kindly placed next to my bed. Scrambling out of bed to find a towel I manage to stub my toe twice on the bed frame.

"Oh for fuck's sake," I mumble as I mop up the water on the floor.

After these little bitch slaps from life, I manage to drag my ass into the living room.

Alice is humming softly as she begins her Saturday morning cleaning routine. She dances lightly around the room, as she dusts various objects. I allow my body to sink into the couch, and listen as she hums along.

The clanging of pots and pans resonates from the kitchen.

"Oh for fucks sake, Rose." I say this again, simply because it makes me feel better.

"Listen here Daisy Downer, nobody told you to drink so much last night. It's time to cowgirl up, Bella. I'm making pancakes."

I felt the corners of my mouth pull up into a small smile. Rose made the best pancakes in the world, and she guarded the recipe with her life. Rose's pancakes were comfort food at its finest, and I could use some comfort right about now.

"So Ms. B," Alice began, "I don't believe I have ever seen you dance like you were last night. You were ALL OVER that guy. Who was he?"

"We met at the bar last night," I lied. It was only a small omission. Did anyone really need to know that I car-stalked people?

"He was fucking beautiful, Bells." Rosalie said as she began cracking eggs in to a large mixing bowl.

"He is nice looking, but you guys know that I am just not looking for that right now. "

Alice set down her dusting materials and kneeled next to me on the floor. Her amber eyes peered into mine as she spoke. "Bella, I know this break up with Jake has been hard for you, but you can't keep putting yourself down like this."

"It's just moving really fast. I don't feel ready for any of this."

"You are putting up walls, Bells. You got hurt, and you hurt someone. The realization came on quickly, but that doesn't mean the decision was wrong, or that you are incapable of maintaining a relationship." Rose spoke in huffs as she mixed the batter together.

"She is right. You need to lay off of yourself."

"Got it. Can you guys lay off of me for just a little while? I need some caffeine and food."

I wandered over to the refrigerator and pulled out a Diet Coke. The sound of batter hitting the griddle filled our tiny kitchen.

"Give me just a few more minutes, B." Rose watched the tiny bubbles form and pop on the pancake she had just poured.

I pulled myself onto a bar stool, and Alice jumped up next to me.

"So," Rose began, "I am leaving for Boston on Monday morning. I am supervising a presentation on the Anatomy of a Lawsuit."

Alice and I feigned snoring sounds.

"Tell me about it. I was really hoping for _From the Courtroom to Cocktails: Shoes that Work for you._"

"Now there is a presentation I would be interested in," I said eyeing my shoes from last night. They lay haphazardly on the floor next to my bar stool.

"It seems odd to me, that fucking lawyers have to attend conferences on the Anatomy of a Lawsuit. I mean if you are a lawyer you should probably know that shit backwards and forwards." Alice sipped slowly at the tea she had made earlier.

"I am the only one that actually knows what the hell I am doing at that firm. The rest of them walk around with their heads up their asses all day." Rose flipped a pancake, and angrily slammed it back onto the griddle.

"Rosie, you know what it does to me when you talk like that so early in the morning." I winked at her and she threw the pancake at me.

"There is the sexy bitch I know and love."

Rose finished making pancakes and we downed them in record time. I made my way back to my room to shower and get ready for the rest of my day. Alice said that Jasper had told her about a band that was playing at a small bar near our place, and she really wanted to go. I told her I would think about it.

I peeked at my phone to check the time, and noticed I had a text message.

**Sometimes we search so much for the right choices, right paths to walk through, right time, right person. But life isn't about searching for things that can be found. It is about letting the unexpected happen and finding things you never searched for.**

The number wasn't one that I recognized, and I didn't think it was from anyone I knew. I mean, that would be a pretty presumptuous text message. No one had any idea what I was going through here. Just when I felt like I had my feet on the ground, I felt like I'd been knocked on my ass again. Visions of bronze and emerald green had danced in my dreams all night. I couldn't get him out of my head, and I hardly knew him.

Edward.

Edward.

Edward.

The name took its place in my every memory of last night. The sight of him standing on the sidewalk, just under the streetlamp, was the most haunting thing I have ever seen.

Then it came flooding back. I had told Alice to give him my number. Shit.

I bolted out of my room, and slid across the wooden floors into the kitchen.

"Alice, did you give that guy my number last night?"

"You asked me to."

"What did you say to him?"

"I don't remember. I had quite a bit to drink last night."

"You are a liar Alice Brandon. You have the best memory of anyone I know."

"Ok. I may have mentioned the Jake thing and a little something about you trying to recreate yourself here."

Fury raged inside of me. I felt it wash over every inch of my body. "How in the hell do you manage to get all that out in a 3 second conversation?!"

Rosalie stepped between us now. "B, she was just trying to help. You were practically sexing him up on the dance floor last night. She thought if he knew what your deal was; it might give him a better chance."

"..." I shouted through clenched teeth.

Still fuming, I went back into my room. I picked up the phone and hit reply.

**Listen, I think my friend gave you the wrong impression. I'm not looking for a relationship right now.**

Seconds later my phone beeped. It was him again.

**I'm not LOOKING for anything either. I know you are new here, and you seem like a genuine person. Friends?**

This guy was either really hard up for dates or incredibly sincere. As angry as Alice made me, I let him off the hook. It wasn't his fault my friends were constantly meddling in my business. I had never had a guy friend before, but I could always use more friends.

**Just to be sure I am coming to the right conclusions, you are Edward correct? **

_Beep Beep._

**Yes. You recommended a drink that has left me feeling like a truck ran over me.**

I smiled to myself. I had warned him that they snuck up on you. I was kind of glad someone was sharing the same awful hangover I was.

**Let me make it up to you, my friends and I are going to listen to a band this evening. Wanna come? **

I set my phone back on my nightstand and turned on my iHome. Music flowed easily through the speakers, and I went to start the water for my shower. As I waited for the water to warm up, I checked my cell phone one last time.

**Sure, sure. Just let me know the details.**

I stepped into the steam of the shower and thought about how odd it was that I could maintain a friendship and not a romantic relationship. I spent the remainder of my time in the shower convincing myself that no one really needs a romantic relationship when they have friends. It was a lame attempt, but it made me feel slightly better.

I wrapped my towel around myself, and poked my head out of the bedroom door.

"Ali, I invited Edward to go to the bar with us tonight. Is that alright?"

The high-pitched shrieking began, and I promptly shut the door. Not quick enough though, as Alice quickly pushed her way inside. She grabbed me by the shoulders, and wrapped her tiny arms around me.

"Oh, Bella! It will be like a double date! Me and Jasper, you and Edward!"

I held my hand up to stop her. "Edward and I are just friends, Al."

Her face fell for just a fraction of a second, and then it turned back up. "Oh, friends for now." She said as she bounced back out my door.

**A/N (dos): Just to get some opinions. Are things moving too quickly here? Was Bella too accepting of the friendship? Was Edward too forward with the quote? I'm crazy and rambling. Let's indulge the crazy lady, mmmmkay?**


	6. Heartfelt Lies

**A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own one package of cinnamon granola bites, a GIANT crush on Robert Pattinson, and new body wash from Sephora.**

**No reviews, and that makes me a little bit sad on the inside. Thanks to those of you who have added this story to your favorites or put it on alert. That makes me happy in my tiny little heart. **

**Song for this Chapter: Heartfelt Lies by Ron Pope**

***I just fixed a few weird things in this chapter. Places where I had like totally skipped a letter in a word. I swear I know the difference between "to" and "two". Anyways, I was going over this chapter before I started the next one and wanted to fix those.***

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

I was nervous.

I wasn't nervous about seeing Edward again. We had been texting on and off throughout the day, and the ease of the conversation made me feel like we would be comfortable together. I was nervous about my body's reaction to his presence. I may have been drunk last night, but there was no denying the electric buzz his touch sent through me.

My body had hummed as his fingertips grazed my hips. It exploded into tiny sparks as his lips came close to whisper in my ear. I could trust my mind to keep its distance from him, but my body was traitorous.

There was only one thing to do, and that was dance. I tuned the iHome to a particularly upbeat song, grabbed my hairbrush, and pressed play.

As the first notes began to fill the room, I let go of every ounce of nervousness my body held. My legs began to bounce with the rhythm of the music. The lyrics began and my hairbrush became a microphone.

I danced wildly around my room, and sang obnoxiously into my brush.

A loud knock on my door pulled me from my trance.

"Cut that shit out, Bella," Rosalie called from the other side of the door, "I love you but you can't sing for shit."

I turned away from the door and towards my window. My room contained two floor to ceiling windows that faced the street. I generally kept the curtains pulled close, but had opened them today to let the sun in. Sun was an oddity and I wanted to enjoy it while I could, even though I had cursed it earlier that morning. I was cursing it now too.

Fuck. Me.

I had danced like a fucking maniac around my bedroom, with the windows open.

Fuck. Me.

I quickly went to the windows and looked down at the street. Nothing out of the ordinary, and I noticed that someone had just entered our apartment building. I pulled the curtains closed and walked out of my bedroom.

The look on my face must have read "PANIC", because Alice rushed to my side as soon as she saw me.

She slipped her arm around my waist, "What's wrong, B?"

"Oh nothing. Just embarrassed the fuck out of myself. I just danced in front of the window with my fucking curtains open."

Alice smiled, "Oh Bella. No one can see from the street, unless they are actually looking for our apartment. Nobody saw, I promise."

Just as she finished her statement a knock came at the door. Alice flitted to the door, and pulled it open.

My body began to buzz, before he even set foot in the room. Once again I found myself drowning in a sea of green eyes and bronze hair.

He walked up and tapped me gently on the nose with his index finger.

"Hey. You. Are you ready to go?" His green eyes shown with amusement, as he looked at me curiously.

I snapped out of my trance and picked up my purse from the counter. "Definitely."

"Jasper will be meeting us there," Alice piped up.

And with that we walked out the door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The bar had been packed and the band had been wonderful. The waiter had kept the alcohol flowing nicely, and the conversation moved easily. Silly questions and getting to know you stuff.

Four glasses of white zinfandel later, Edward and I walked down the street back to my apartment. Alice and Jasper were ahead of us, holding hands and chattering softly back and forth. She could handle this relationship thing, and she was ready to take it on. I couldn't be so bold.

Edward and I walked close to each other, the electricity hummed and popped between the two of us. Every now and then he would turn and ask a question, or simply smile at me. I found it easy to be around him. I didn't have to pretend, or put on a front. I could just be me. Blunt, honest, and real. It was nice to know that he knew where I stood, and I didn't have to try to impress him because that just wasn't what we were going to be.

We made it back to the apartment, and Alice and Jasper quickly took up residence on the sofa. Glasses of wine in hand, they were wrapped up in each other and quiet conversation.

I motioned toward the balcony door, silently telling Edward I would meet him there. I grabbed two wine glasses and divided the remainder of a bottle of wine into them.

I stepped out onto the balcony and sat in one of the patio chairs. I turned my chair to face his, and he copied my action. I picked my feet up and placed them in the tiny space between his thigh and the arm of the chair. He crooked an eyebrow at me.

"What? I need to be comfortable."

"So does my thigh." Then he smiled, letting me know to keep my feet where they were. He was only kidding.

"Alright Miss Bella, spill it. I wanna know more about you."

"Well, Mr. Edward, what more could I possibly share with you that I haven't already?"

"Let's start with what you miss most about Texas?"

I didn't even think about it, the answer shot straight out of my mouth, "Breakfast tacos."

"Seriously? A food item? That is what you miss the most?"

Clearly he had never had a GOOD breakfast taco before. "Yes. You can't find decent ones around here. I also miss being able to wear flip flops every single day."

He was looking at me like I was insane. Was that really a strange answer?

Then he spoke, "I guess I was expecting an answer that regarded your family or friends there."

I took a deep breath. I looked right into his green eyes and begged him to prepare himself for all my baggage. I had a lot, and telling him about it would be painful. I was willing to do this, because we were friends. Friends shared all their bullshit.

I started with the easy things. "Rose and Alice were my two very best friends, and they had moved here. Jake and I clearly aren't speaking anymore, I suppose I miss the comfort of him."

He shifted slightly at the mention of Jake's name. "I'd like to hear a little more about him, if that's alright."

"Like I said, Jake was comfort. We dated for 5 years, and had allowed it to grow into something of comfort and predictability rather than a relationship. I broke it off." I paused to take a sip of wine before continuing. "I miss the predictability of him. The safety. I liked knowing exactly what to expect, but I hated it just the same. Like a counter balance, it's impossible to be happy. I used Jake as a way to escape from family issues."

He was listening intently and clearly not judging me so far. I jumped in feet first.

"Charlie and Renee, my mom and dad, divorced when I was in the 3rd grade. Charlie loved my mother immensely, but she had cheated on him. I vividly remember watching them scream at each other, and then watching as he walked out the door. I visit and talk to him on occasion but we don't have a fantastic relationship." I was going to lay it all out there. The words were tumbling out of my mouth and I was totally unable to stop them.

I was getting to the hard part, and I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes. I continued though, because if he couldn't handle this, then he certainly wouldn't be able to handle me. I was a fucking wreck, and it came right along with being friends.

"Renee began drinking heavily after he left. I moved schools a million times and never called any particular place home. She would leave me at home at night to go drinking, and I worried about her. I was so afraid that she wouldn't come back home. Most nights I would fall asleep in front of the door, just so I would know when she came home."

Now I was crying. I cry all the time, every emotion is accompanied by tears with me. In this moment I was feeling everything. Torn open and raw. I was angry, sad, happy, and open. I had never shared these things with anyone. Not even Jake, and we had been together for 5 years. This was probably the most freeing thing I could have done. It hurt like hell to put it all out there, but it felt great to take it off of my shoulders.

Suddenly he was moving. He pushed his chair closer to mine so that they were touching, front to front. He pulled me into his lap, and I let my head sink down to his chest. I sobbed into his shirt, and he rested his chin on the top of my head as he ran his fingers gently through my hair.

"I'm messed up," I choked out, "Damaged goods and all that."

"Oh Bella," he sighed into my hair, "We are all messed up in our own way."

"Show me. How are you messed up?"

"Well, I never make my bed in the morning. However, right before I get in it at night I make the entire thing. Just so I can mess it all up again."

I laughed quietly, "You are one fucked up individual Cullen."

He placed his fingers just under my chin and lifted my face so he could look into my eyes. "I definitely am, and that is why this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship." Up until this very second I had doubted what was happening here. Questioned every second of it, until he spoke these words. He wanted to actually be friends with me. Crazy, indecisive, neurotic, screwed up me.

I scooted back over to my chair, but placed my feet on top of his thighs. "So tell me about your family. What are they like?"

"I am not sure about my birth parents. I was adopted when I was just an infant, and have never felt the need to find someone who so clearly wanted nothing to do with me. Carlisle and Esme are the only family I have ever known. They were married just after they graduated from college. Carlisle went on to receive his doctorate degree, and Esme works as an interior designer. I have an older brother named Emmet who owns a construction company in the city." Then he looked down at me, his eyes silently telling me that he was sorry.

"Please don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" His eyes moved quickly back to the view of the city.

"Like you are sorry that you have a nice family. It isn't necessary. I am making my peace with what happened and I don't want to be pitied." I sounded like a child, but I hated people thinking I was seeking pity.

"I don't pity you. Clearly every experience you have had has led you here. How can I pity that?"

"I guess you really can't pity that."

He smiled up at me, and an odd look came upon his face."Before we can really be friends, I do need to know your last name. If it's super lame, then this will end here and now." He threw a crooked smile my way, and I giggled.

"Well shit, I'm screwed then. It's Swan."

He threw my feet off his lap and acted like he was getting up. I pushed lightly on his chest, and he fell back into his chair with a thud.

"Well, I suppose I will stick it out just this once. Maybe you won't turn out to be a complete freak. My last name is Cullen by the way. So Swan, what else should I know about you?"

I launched into a monologue all about me. I told him that I curse like a sailor and a pirate combined. I have a very filthy mouth. I use the words Awesome, ridiculous, and idiot far more than anyone really should. I received a "D" in my college art class because I am artistically challenged. I can't even finger paint for fucks sake. Any and every small detail that would give him insight into who I am or what I like.

"….and when I have had a particularly bad day I dance. I plug my iPod into the dock, turn the speakers up, grab my hairbrush, and I fuckin' dance." At the mention of this, he brought out the crooked smile.

"Do you sing into said hairbrush?"

"Hell yeah I do. What kind of question is that Cullen?"

"Just wondering." The crooked smile stayed on his lips, and he looked like he had been caught doing something he shouldn't have. "Favorite color?"

"Hmmmm…. I'm gonna go with blue. It changes weekly though."

"Indecisive, you are losing points, Swan."

I wiggled my feet in his lap, "Ok, what is your favorite drink?"

"Hmmmmm….." he hummed as he tried to make a decision, "it rhymes with shmargarita. If you could be any Transformer, which would you be?"

"Where do you come up with these fucking questions?" I asked quirking an eyebrow at him.

"I need insight into your psyche. If you are a complete psychopath, this question will give me the answer."

"Ok. I'm gonna go with Sabor Tooth Tiger because it was my favorite as a child. Plus, I had like a super cool hand motion to go with it."

"Show me." He demanded.

"Absolutely not. It's top secret and only for really awesome people. I'm just not sure I can share it with you yet."

He feigned a sad face, and I continued with my questioning. "What is your least favorite thing about your job? And what is your job by the way?"

"I am currently finishing my residency in the pediatric cardiology unit at Seattle General. Least favorite part of my job, aside from sick kiddos, I absolutely cannot stand one of the other residents. I avoid contact with him at all costs."

As he said this, his face twisted in disgust. Even then, he was beautiful. I marveled as the moonlight shone down on him and his green eyes twinkled.

"Alright, last question. Although I am thoroughly enjoying my time with you, I have to get up pretty early tomorrow morning and run some errands. I am leaving you with a highly philosophical question here. Do you think that the first time corn popped, it scared the hell out of the Indians?" His face stayed intense and incredibly serious as he said this.

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. I was laughing so hard there were tears streaming down my face. I peeked up to find him laughing as well. I pulled myself together and attempted to answer the question with a straight face.

"I am pretty sure those poor Native Americans were scared shitless. Then they straightened out their multicolored head-dresses, melted a brick of cheddar in the tribal microwave, and watched Center Stage."

Edward stood and held his hand out to me. I took it gently and stood up as well, swaying slightly from the amount of alcohol I had taken in. I must remember to stop drinking like this, it can't look good.

We walked quietly through the living room, noticing that Jasper must have gone home because the living room was vacant and things were very quiet.

I opened the front door and Edward leaned close to me. "I had a wonderful time this evening, Miss Swan," he whispered gently into my ear.

I shivered at his closeness and nodded. He pulled away and gently lifted a piece of my hair and tucked it behind my ear.

He began to walk away, and then turned to look at me. "Please stop looking and trying so hard. Let it go."

I knew in that instant I would do anything to keep this friendship intact. I would stop looking and let the idea of a romantic relationship go. We could just be friends.

**A/N: Reviews are better than shmargaritas. So ya know, go ahead. Just click that little blue button.**


	7. Beauty in the Breakdown

**A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own two tickets to RENT, a piece of chocolate cake, and a GIANT calculator. **

**Hooray for reviews!!! I was kinda stuck, but it's true what they say about reviews. It really does help things move along. So, the door has been opened, my review cherry has been popped. Tell me what you think.**

***I posted this chapter at 1:45 a.m. After going back and checking it one more time this morning, I found a few mistakes. I have no beta, so bear with me. Thanks!***

**Song for this Chapter: Beauty in the Breakdown by The Scene Aesthetic (I like the acoustic version)**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

I spent the rest of the weekend mentally kicking my own ass. I mean, what kind of dumbass lays all of their crap out to someone they had only known for two days? I had flat out told him that every relationship I had ever witnessed or been a part of ended up in screaming and heartbreak. I kept waiting for him to run screaming, but he never did. He just listened, and I needed that in a friend.

I love Rose and Alice, but they are always projecting their thoughts and feelings on me. They don't get it. I'm not capable of holding on to a romantic relationship. How often does one need to witness heartbreak and hurt before they figure out that nothing is worth that pain? Nobody ever just listened to me, but Edward did. I found his mere presence to be therapeutic.

The week had started off well. On Monday, Mrs. Clearwater called to offer me a position other than the one I had originally interviewed for. She felt that my experience and knowledge far surpassed the paraprofessional job. I was now the Curriculum and Implementation Specialist for Newton Elementary School. Rose also left on Monday, and Alice had called that evening saying she would be spending some time at Jasper's place this week. That was moving a little fast, but that was Alice. Heart first, brain later.

My new job had me immersed in the planning of a seminar on "How to teach a 5E Science Lesson", so I didn't notice their absence too much. I sat in the middle of the living room surrounded by planning books, and loose paper. My laptop sat open on the coffee table and my cell phone sat right next to it. I had just begun to piece together a sample lesson plan on Density, when my phone began to ring.

"Oh my fucking god, you would not believe the day I fucking had today," Rosalie seethed into the phone.

"Hey pretty girl. I miss you," I said sweetly.

"Don't start that shit with me. I miss you too. So today I get fucking cornered by this macho-construction-company-owning-tool," I can picture Rosalie pacing the confines of her hotel room as she repeats a story that is just so……. Rose. "He starts yapping about the fucking liability of pregnant women. I don't even know what the hell the asshole is talking about, except for the fact the he has extended the amount of time I planned on talking to him, 25 minutes past my desired quota of 0 minutes."

Seeing that this call might actually take a bit longer than I had anticipated, I put the phone on speaker and set it on the table.

"So I said, "Listen up, why don't you give me a call when you actually have the reproductive capabilities to carry another human being around, and then maybe I will discuss this with you. I am so glad you felt it necessary to share your fucking awful personal opinion of this, but in case you haven't noticed, we aren't girlfriends gabbing over coffee, lamewad, and I'd like to get back to doing my job," she huffed.

The term lamewad made me pick up the phone and stare at it questioningly.

"Rose, did you really say that to him?" I asked.

"Fuck yes I said that to him. You should of heard him blabbering on and on about not wanting to deal with maternity leave bullshit, and can you fire someone for getting pregnant. He has got to be by far the most ignorant fucking asshole I have ever met."

"Wow. Well, you definitely told him," I said laughing.

"I miss you bitches," she sighed, "Where's Alice? I haven't heard that tiny freak say a word yet."

"Awwww, Rosie. I miss you too. Alice is spending a couple of nights over at Jasper's place."

"Well shit. So that means you're home alone, huh?"

"Yeah, but it's not that bad. I'm working on a big presentation, and it's kinda nice not having any distractions." This was a lie, but I didn't want her worrying about me.

"You're fucking full of it, B. Listen, I will be home on Thursday evening with a bottle of wine. Together we will kick the fairie's ass for leaving you home alone." She was yawning as she said this. The time change must be getting to her, because Rose was NEVER in bed before 9:00 p.m.

"No ass kicking necessary. She is allowed to be happy."

"Bro's before hoes and all that shit."

I laughed, "I'm sure that Jasper is not a hoe, and I'm not sure that statement applies to us, babe."

"Don't argue semantics with me B. I already let loose on a construction worker, don't make me do it to you too."

"Ok. Hoe's and bro's it is. You sound tired, go to bed."

"G'night, B."

"Night Rosie." I hung up the phone and immediately the tiny little envelope that indicated a text message appeared on my screen.

**Mon Ami, avez-vous mangé le dîner ? -Cullen**

It was from Edward. He had taken to texting me in French on occasion, probably because he knew it annoyed the shit out of me. I didn't know French, so every time he did this I had to translate it online.

I opened up the browser and found the translation site in my bookmarks. I typed the phrase in quickly, and then picked up the phone to text him back.

**I was tempted to not even answer you. I'm not French so cut it out. I haven't had dinner. I am buried under paperwork and text books. -Swan**

Truth be told I found the fact that he spoke another language to be quite sexy, and when he did that it made me think of things that friends just don't think of. Second languages were never my thing, so I was also quite jealous that he could manage more than one language.

**How do you feel about Chinese take-out? I promise to keep my French to myself if you let me come by for dinner. –Cullen**

**Well, if you promise to keep your French to yourself, then I will gladly eat the food that you bring. Hope you can find me when you get here. –Swan**

I set back to trying to get some work done before he arrived. The living room was a mess, but he would just have to deal.

When he arrived I was typing furiously, holding a highlighter between my teeth, and a pencil was holding my hair in a loose bun. Papers littered the floor, table, and couch.

"Bella," he called out, "Where are you?"

"Don't be a smart ass, Cullen."

He set the food down on the counter and sat down on the floor next to me.

"You really shouldn't leave your door unlocked like that," he said as he pulled the pencil out of my hair, "I hear there are deviants that roam these hallways."

My hair hung loosely around my face and I looked up at him with disapproving eyes, "Clearly, deviant."

"Make room for food, Swan." He said as he stood and went to the counter.

I attempted to organize the jumbled mess, but ended up just stacking it into a wayward pile.

As we ate, we chatted about work. Edward now knew everything there was to know about 5E Science Lessons, and I knew more about the pediatric cardiology unit than I ever thought I would. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who was as passionate about enriching and nourishing the lives of children as I was.

"We don't give them enough credit. Children are brilliant and resilient, and so full of faith and hope and love." We were both sitting cross legged and facing each other.

He looked up from his container of food and caught my eyes. "We project things on them. They could be anything, so much potential."

I stared into his eyes, feeling for the first time in my life like I actually had a connection with someone. "It's our nature. We want things a certain way, we want to be sure that their little lives turn out well. It just doesn't always work out that way we intend."

After speaking animatedly about our passion for our jobs, we dove into the difficult subjects. We spoke so candidly, as if we had known each other forever. He told me all about finding out that he was adopted, and the pain that he still felt. He loved his parents and said that Carlisle and Esme had done everything possible to help him move past it. He was close, but on his bad days he still had to fight the feelings of rejection that washed over him.

Then we dove into my issues.

"I just won't let myself do it again. Give everything, only to realize I've given everything to nothing at all."

"It doesn't always end up that way," he said leaning closer to me.

"It's not worth the risk, for me at least. I've built it up, just to watch it all fall back down."

"Was it beautiful before the breakdown?" he whispered, his mouth just inches from my cheek.

"You don't remember the beauty after you see the breakdown." I said, as a lone tear made its way down my face.

The line blurred for an instant. This line we had drawn that held us in between friends and lovers. It blurred and for a moment, as his lips made contact with my cheek, the two become one. We were everything and we were nothing.

He stood then, and cleared the containers from the table. I sat and watched him through clouded eyes and noisy thoughts. My head was screaming that friends do that sort of thing. Alice and Rose had kissed my cheek before, and it was nothing romantic. My heart was screaming for his lips to be near me again, to touch any part of my skin.

After he finished cleaning, he walked over and held his hand out to me. I took it, and he pulled me gently up off of the floor. He opened the door and stood in the doorway.

He ran his thumb across the point where his lips had made contact earlier. As if to seal it, and keep it there forever. His eyes were reverent as he looked into mine.

"Don't forget to lock the door, ma belle. Deviants and all that." He then turned and walked down the hall.

I tried to think back on my relationship with Jake or my parent's relationship. I tried to find one thing of beauty in all of the ugliness. When a relationship or a marriage ends, no one looks back on it and says, "God, that was just beautiful." You never hear that. I couldn't find the beauty, because I had watched the destruction. I wanted so badly to find something good to hold on to. Proof that trying to have a relationship was worth whatever ended up happening. No matter where in past relationships I searched, I came up empty handed.

I put on my pajamas and crawled into bed. I was eager for sleep to wash away the tension and ache our conversation had brought on. We were friends, and that was all we could be. Our friendship was exquisite, everything that I felt a romantic relationship could never be. Just as the sleep induced haze took over my body, my cell phone buzzed.

**It's not always right to stay in pain when you know you've had too much.****  
****And it isn't always wrong to be happy, when you know it's about time that you deserve to be. -Cullen**

**A/N: Alright kids. Everyone who reviews gets a gold star. So click that little blue button.**


	8. On a Night Like This

**A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own 5 crochet hooks, a broken digital camera, and a stuffed pink monkey.**

**Bella wasn't being particularly wordy in this chapter. It's hard to type it all out when she totally shuts down. Thanks again for the reviews, they make me smile (and write faster *winkwink*)**

***I checked and double checked this thing, but truthfully that means nothing. I am the "overusage of comma's" queen. I will probably be back in to make corrections at some point.***

**Song for this Chapter: On a Night Like This by Dave Barnes**

**The songs for each chapter seem to cover Edwards POV more than Bella's. So, if the song doesn't seem to match up with Bella than its Frenchward's song. Or it's just some random song that I was totally into while writing the chapter, I suck at coming up with titles.**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

"Weirdest thing you have ever seen?" He said as he continued to stir the marinara sauce he had made from scratch.

I had thought things would be really strange after Monday evening, but Edward acted as if nothing ever happened. I wasn't about to question it, so I just went right along with him. I could ignore with the best of them. I found it delightfully easy to push any misgivings aside and simply enjoy what we did have.

Alice had stayed at Jasper's place Tuesday night as well, but had promised to make it home this evening. I hoped she wouldn't mind that Edward had come over to cook dinner. I had called her on Tuesday during my lunch break to tell her all about Monday night. I needed some good advice on what I should do to get Edward and I back on the friendship track. True to form, Alice immediately jumped to Edward and I being a couple. She was impossible.

"Well, you must be forgetting that I come from a city that thrives on weirdness. I have seen men tandem biking in thongs, a construction sign that warned people of zombies ahead, and someone who could play the flute with their nose. And damn well too."

His eyes were wide, and he stared at me like I was insane. "You have got to be kidding me?"

"Absolutely not. Who could make that shit up?" I said smiling at him.

I hopped up on to the counter next to the stove. "Now it's my turn to ask. Favorite kind of candy?"

He smiled and stirred. "Gummi anything."

"Really?!" I squeaked, "Mine too."

"Ok. Favorite movie?"

"Cullen, I hate questions like that. Who can pick one movie that is their absolute favorite of all time? If someone tells you they can, they are a liar."

He rolled his eyes, and set the spoon on the holder next to the stove. "Fine. Top 3," he said as he moved to stand in front of me.

"I can handle that. Steel Magnolias, When Harry Met Sally, and P.S. I love you."

"Swan, you have been holding out on me. You are a romantic at heart."

"Love like that only exists in movies or books."

His back was facing me, and he suddenly leaned back into my legs. "Don't get all pessimistic on me now, ma belle."

"Ok," I said as I rested my chin on his shoulder. Our cheeks were just barely touching. We sat this way, listening to the sauce bubble next to us. This wasn't comfortable, it was just us.

He moved away from me, "Think you can handle stirring the sauce for a second?"

"I'm not sure you want to trust me with that. The kitchen has a severe dislike for me."

"Just stir, Swan," he said giving me that crooked smile.

I picked up the spoon, and leaned slightly into the stove. The sauce bubbled nicely and I stirred gently. It was a mindless activity, and I allowed my mind to drift away.

"OW. ." I winced as the sauce began to pop and splatter all over me.

Edward came running into the kitchen and took over. He set the spoon down, covered the pan, and turned the heat down on the stove.

"I will never leave you alone in the kitchen again," he said laughing. "You just turned the heat up simply by leaning on the knob."

"It's not funny," I said, turning away from him to sulk.

"Nice," he said elongating the 'I' sound. "Let me see your face. You have sauce all over it."

"No."

"Lemme see your face," he reached around my shoulders and took my face in his hands. "Just lemme see it."

We both sounded like petulant two year olds. So I turned my face towards him, and the corner of his mouth pulled up just slightly.

He grabbed a paper towel and dabbed quickly at the tiny splotches that dotted my face. Then just as he had done on Monday, he leaned in and kissed my cheek gently.

I had to ask. I couldn't keep the words in my mouth any longer. "You're quite friendly."

He smirked again. "It's all part of the plan, ma belle."

What plan he was referring to, was beyond me. "You're insane, Cullen."

The rest of the evening carried on in much of the same way. Silly banter, brushing of hands, tiny kisses on the cheek or forehead. Where the line had once been so well defined, it was now blurred. Still there, but blurry.

By the time we had finished eating dinner and cleaned up the kitchen, Alice still hadn't made it home, and the sexual tension was palpable.

"Alright, ma belle. I gotta go."

"Didn't we talk about you keeping your French to yourself? How do you say pompous jackass in French?"

"Homme le plus élégant vivant."

I smacked him on the chest. "You are a liar, Cullen. That is way too long to be pompous jackass."

"Come on Swan, would I lie to you?"

"Yes you would," I said smiling.

"Sweet dreams, mon mignon," he said as he leaned in and gently pressed his lips to my forehead.

As soon as his lips touched my forehead, we both froze. My hands moved up to gently touch the side of his face. I just wasn't ready for him to leave yet. He kissed my forehead again and again. Then he pressed his forehead against mine, and placed his hands over mine.

We froze right there in that moment. Like the world simply existed around the two of us. We were everything and we were nothing. I could feel the underlying emotions flowing between the both of us. Wanting this to be so much more, and knowing that it couldn't. It just couldn't.

"Bonne nuit, mon beau." He whispered as he walked away.

French had to be the sexiest and most frustrating language ever. I turned, shut the door, and walked into my bedroom. I put on my pajamas, and checked my cell phone. No messages from Alice. I guessed she was staying the night at Jasper's.

Just as I had begun to slip into unconsciousness, I heard the door swing open and then slam shut. That's weird. Alice isn't really a door slammer. I got out of my bed and walked slowly down the hall and into the living room.

I didn't notice him at first because it was very dark, and my eyes hadn't had a chance to adjust to the light. Then I noticed his silhouette in the moonlight that shone through the window.

"Ed-Edward….what are you doing?" I stammered. I must have forgotten to lock the door. He looked oddly out of sorts. He was always so calm and composed, but he was running his hands through his hair and shifting back and forth. He would open his mouth and then close it again.

I took a step closer to him. My eyes totally adjusted now, I could see he was upset. "What's going on?"

He took a deep breath, "I need you to hear me out. Every word that comes out of my mouth right now is going to sound crazy, but I just need you to hear it. Ok?"

My heart picked up its pace, and I felt the heat of fear and panic begin to take over my body.

"Ok," I whispered.

"I feel crazy just saying this. I mean we have only known each other for," he paused for a moment silently counting these days in his head, "5 days, 6 if you count meeting on Friday evening."

I nodded, urging him to just come out and say it.

"I can't be just friends with you, because it's already so much more than that. I can't be around you without wanting to touch you. I want to hold you in my arms and whisper sweet things in French to you. Not just because it annoys you," he paused and smiled, "but because I mean them. Every single word of them."

He sank down to the floor, and leaned against the door. I wanted so badly to go to him, but I couldn't make my feet move. The smile that had graced his face mere seconds ago was gone. In place was a look of defeat and pain.

"I'm thinking about you constantly, and wondering if you are thinking of me, too. It's too soon for me to say, but god dammit I FEEL it." He was yanking his hands through his hair now, and I couldn't stand there anymore. I moved to sit next to him on the floor.

The moonlight cast beautiful shadows around us. He turned to me, and gently pressed his forehead against mine.

"When you are this close to me, I have a hard time walking away from you. I would give it all up just to stay right here with you. Forever. I would give anything to take it all away. To correct the mistakes your parent's made, to show you that love is not something to be afraid of, and to make you realize that you can't run from it."

He remained silent for a few moments, with his eyes closed tightly. Then he opened them abruptly, and I was more lost than I had ever been. All I could see were green eyes, beautiful green eyes.

"I just need you to know that I can't be just friends. I'm willing to take our time, and go slow. Whatever you need. I just…. I need you as more than a friend," he whispered.

Abruptly he stood up, and I scrambled up off the floor as well. I didn't know what his next move would be, this was uncharted territory. Totally uncomfortable and unpredictable.

I wanted to tell him that we could try. That I had seen the beauty in us tonight, and I wanted to allow myself to feel what he was feeling. What I had with Jake wasn't love, it never was. It was comfortable, and stable. I had thought that there could never be heartbreak in predictability. If you always knew what was going to happen, how could anything get broken?

I opened my mouth, but he quickly put his index finger against it. His eyes were on fire, and he stared deep into mine.

"Tonight was it for me. I'm in too deep to let go now."

Then it happened. It was simultaneous, and I didn't know who moved first. Our lips came together and they fit so perfectly. It wasn't slow or sweet. It was passionate, consuming, and said everything he wanted it to. I knew where he stood in that very moment.

He pulled away and pressed a soft kiss to the end of my nose. "Please call me."

I knew he didn't mean just to say "hi" or to talk about the weather. I would call him when I was absolutely sure that I could handle "us". Those words held more meaning than anything he had said tonight. The tone of his voice, he was begging me to just allow myself to feel it.

As I watched him walk out the door, I couldn't commit to it. It wasn't that the feelings weren't there; they had been there from the beginning. I was just wondering if it would be easier to walk away now, or later. All good things come to an end. The beautiful things never last.

We were beautiful, I knew that much.

**A/N: Reviews make Bella a chatty girl….. You know the drill. That little blue button needs some serious lovin'.**


	9. Headlights on the Highway

**A/N: Two chapters in one day?! Say what?! I wanted to nap today, Edward wanted to chat. **

**Song for this chapter: Headlights on the Highway by Ron Pope**

**Disclaimer: You should know by now, I don't own Twilight. The language isn't bad in this chapter, that's just 'cause Rose is in Boston though. The foul mouthed beauty will be back soon though. Fear not.**

EPOV

It took everything I had to leave her there in the apartment all by herself. I wouldn't have done it, but she had said Alice was coming home tonight so I felt like she would be ok. She needed time to think and process everything I had just laid out for her. I know I can't think clearly when I am around her, which is why I had left and then come back.

I'm glad I did come back though, who leaves their door unlocked now a days?!

I hoped Alice made it back to the apartment soon, I would call once I reached the cabin to be sure.

The Volvo was purring softly, as I made my way down the 101. Classical music played softly through the speakers, and I was finally able to form thoughts that made sense. The last 5 days had been such a blur, and I just needed to process it all. When I was around Bella, she took over everything. She was in my every thought and my every action. She dominated my senses. I could smell only her, see only her, touch only her, hear only her, and taste only her. That would be ok, if I didn't have to pretend like that wasn't the case. Telling her that we could be just friends, was like saying the sky was purple. It didn't make sense, I could see it so plainly. We could never be just friends, because from that first moment we were already so much more. I found it difficult to deny her anything though, and the words flew out of my mouth before I knew it.

I had the next 2 days off of work, and I was headed to my sanctuary. My parents own a small house near Lake Crescent. The view was beautiful, and being cut off from everything always helped to clear my head. The house got awful cell phone reception, but it did have a landline.

It had always been our summer house when Emmett and I were children. We hardly made it back there now. Emmett had the company and he was practically married to his work. I was in my residency, and it was hard to get away. Our parent's had simply given up on trying to get us all there.

Some of my best memories were in that house. I had my first kiss on the dock out by the lake, my parent's had renewed their vow's there during my senior year of highschool, so it only made sense to be there when I discovered that I was in love with someone who quite possibly found it impossible to be in a relationship.

More than anything I wanted to be whatever she needed, but she didn't know what that was. As long as that was the case, I had to step away and let her get a clearer picture.

I had cared about 2 other girls in my life. I say cared, because if this was love, then I had most definitely never felt it before. I would never have walked away from a feeling like this. I couldn't have. I wasn't walking away now, just taking a step back to let her clear her mind.

In 5 days she had become my entire world. It was scary and satisfying at the same time. This girl was stubborn, and hard headed. She blamed herself for everything. She had an odd love for junk food. She was also sexy, smart, and I don't even think she realized it. I wanted to know everything about her. Once she began to tell me things, new questions formed in my head. I could ask her random things for hours, and still feel like I could never know enough about her. She was beautiful, captivating. The moment she entered the room, my eyes couldn't find solace in anything but her. She was quirky, silly, and funny. That evening I had met her at her apartment to go watch the band play, I had noticed her dancing in her bedroom. It was adorable, and it made me smile. I remember thinking that I liked watching her be so uninhibited. I wanted to be the person that she could be totally herself in front of.

I was about 30 miles outside of Port Angeles when I decided to call Jasper and make sure Alice had made it home. I had been a regular at the bar where Jasper worked for awhile, but when he met us to watch the band play I found out that we both had an affinity for underground bands. We had swapped numbers and decided to keep the other informed on any upcoming shows. I found his name in my address book, and pressed the call button.

"Hello?" he drawled into the phone.

"Hey, Jasper. It's Edward. Listen, did Alice make it home?"

He yawned, "No, we fell asleep watching a movie."

_Shit_, I cursed myself mentally for leaving before I could be sure Alice would be home.

"Can I talk to her?"

"Yeah, sure." I heard him shift, and then a few odd noises as the receiver brushed against something.

"Alice, sugar, Edward wants to talk to you." I heard him whisper.

"Edward? Is Bella ok? What's going on?" Alice whispered into the phone, a note of panic in her tone.

"I think she's fine. I left a few hours ago. She might be upset though. I told her that I couldn't be just friends with her. That I wanted something more."

"Thank God," she said. "I thought the two of you were going to continue to dance around this shit forever. You are right though, she probably is upset." I heard her stand up, and start to move around.

"Sorry to interrupt your evening. I'm on my way to my family's house on Lake Crescent, but I wanted to make sure she would be ok before I got all the way there. My cell service sucks up there."

"It's fine. Bella is one of my best friends, I would do anything for her. She just needs to realize that this whole "I can't handle a relationship" crap is ridiculous."

"Tell me about Jake. Like really. That seems to be what really set this off."

She sighed. "The thing is, Jake was a good guy. He just wasn't Bella's good guy."

"So he didn't do anything to hurt her?"

"Oh, he did. They both did plenty to hurt each other. I think it works best if I explain it like this. They were like puzzle pieces that didn't fit. You keep trying to push them together, and finally they stick at an awkward angle. You force them together, and they hold up ok. Then the other pieces start to fill in, and you see the bigger picture. Those two pieces that you had stuck together, just don't work. Things just aren't right. Bella just saw the picture before Jake did, and so she blames herself. She thinks she broke his heart."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. Who hadn't tried to force themselves into something that they knew wasn't working? The thing is, that when those pieces come apart, most people take the hint. They realize that there is no way those pieces will ever fit perfectly.

"So Bella and Jake just continued to force themselves together?"

"Yeah. They broke up more times than anyone could count. Jake was stable though, something that Bella had never had in her life. She liked knowing exactly was going to happen."

I sighed. "Thanks for the insight Alice. Can I give you my number at the house?"

"Sure," she said, "Jas, can you get me a pen and some paper? Thanks."

I rattled the number off to her, and then asked her to call when she saw Bella. She said goodbye and promised to call.

I spent the rest of the drive to Port Angeles praying that she was ok. That I hadn't upset her too much. I already felt like a complete ass for kissing her and then leaving her there. I needed just a few days. I wanted more than anything to be whatever she needed. I had no clue what that was though. I hoped that a few days with my thoughts would make it clearer.

I stopped in Port Angeles to grab some necessities. I had clothes out at the house, but no toothbrush or any other toiletries. I picked up a few staple foods, and then a package of gummi bears. I loaded the groceries into the trunk of the Volvo and then I picked up my phone. One more text message before I reached the land of no signal. I punched in the number, typed my message:

_**Ma belle, le fait de penser à vous avec chaque battu de mon coeur.**_

___**A/N: It's a short one, but a good one. Rough translation for Edward's text: My beautiful, thinking of you with every beat of my heart.**_

___**Good time to say, I don't speak French. Not even a little. I love the language though. So if I am totally butchering, please point it out. **_

___**Time to click the little blue button…..**_


	10. On Your Own

**A/N: .GEE. SHE LIVES!!! Sorry for the insane amount of time between updates. Prepare yourself for an A/N of EPIC proportions. **

**I had writers block. **

**Or as I like to call it a severe case of imnotawriterwhatthehellmademethinkicoulddothis-itis. I came this close to just deleting this whole story. It was sad. I ended up writing a bunch of one shots (that I can't post here) that got wonderful reviews and boosted my confidence. Plus, feedback from the wonderful beta's at PTB (link in profile) regarding my story. I decided that maybe I am not complete shit at this. Also, PTB just finished beta-ing chapter 4 of this story. This chapter hasn't been beta-ed, so please excuse any mistakes. **

**Late last night, the flood gates opened, and the words poured forth. Two chapters worth. That's right, kids. I have chapter 10 and 11 written. You are getting 10 this evening, and 11 at some point tomorrow or Friday. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own 108 save the date post-card's that need to be addressed, a brand spanking new purple Ipod, and a measuring cup (my first wedding gift…. I mean OUR first wedding gift). **

**Song for this Chapter: On Your Own by Green River Ordinance (I am 9 different kinds of obsessed with this band.) **

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

The clock above the door of the apartment read exactly 12:02 a.m. I was sitting cross legged directly in front of the door, facing it. I had done this every night for the last two weeks.

Sitting here in front of this door was what had kept me from calling him for two weeks. Remembering his face as he walked away, and remembering the pain I felt as I watched him. I had to remind myself that if I took that chance, and invested myself in this the pain when it all falls apart would be one hundred times worse.

And it would all fall apart. That's how things worked for me. I had lived my entire life in a world of broken things. I stepped over pieces on a daily basis, and when I couldn't step over them I simply sat down and waited for someone else to move them.

Rose had come back that Thursday, and had been giving Alice the silent treatment ever since. Our filthy mouthed Rose had become mute. She would toss the occasional grunt or head nod in Alice's direction, but other than that she spoke no words.

I only knew this because every night for the past two weeks approximately five minutes after I opened my door and took my place in front of the clock, Rose walked out and sat right next to me.

Rose wasn't really into sharing her feelings, but she sat right next to me and listened as I let loose every feeling I had been holding back. The weeks following Edward's departure had been difficult. It was a daily struggle not to pick up the phone and just call. I was upset and angry at myself for not being able to be normal about this. I longed to be that girl who could simply accept everything he wanted to offer me, and be blindingly happy about it. I wasn't blind though. I know what happens when you invest yourself in someone else. I spent a lot of time questioning why anyone would put themselves out there just to have it all thrown back in their face?

This evening was different however. I had been sitting outside for ten minutes and Rose had not come out yet. I started to get up and go back to my room, when I heard her door creak open.

She tip toed into the room and sat down next to me, as we both stared at the clock.

"Ithinkyoushouldcallhim." Her words came out in a strange rush. They crashed together, consonants and vowels creating a string of sounds. I understood though, because I was thinking the exact same thing.

"I know. I can't do this every night and it's getting harder to keep myself away. I feel so crazy." I paused and took a deep breath. "Have you ever felt this way about someone? This need to be near him is insane. Why do I feel the need to deny something that feels so instinctual?"

" You think he will leave and you will end up hurt. I'm not going to tell you that what you are doing doesn't make sense. The thing is, we have all been burned, Bella. It's how you deal with it that speaks volumes for your life."

"I watched my father fall to pieces when my mom walked out the door. I lived those years in between houses watching both of them destroy themselves. I left Jake before that happened to us….." I stopped talking because I realized that the argument that I had been making for my entire life was flawed.

I wasn't living. I was guarding myself from every ounce of hurt or pain that I could have experienced. After watching my parent's marriage crash and burn I thought that being in a "safe and comfortable" relationship with Jake would be better. Then I realized that we were headed in the same direction. Eventually passion wins out over comfort. Eventually you want something more and there just isn't anything left to take.

No more words needed to be spoken. Rose grabbed my hand and gave it a quick squeeze before we both stood up and walked to our rooms. She blew a kiss to me before she disappeared into her doorway.

It was late; too late to call him. I sat in the middle of my bed and held my cell phone. I decided to send him a text.

_I'm sorry it's taken me so long. Can you meet me for dinner tomorrow night at Augustana around 6?_

I plugged my cell phone in and turned it over. I was going to make myself wait until morning to look at it again. If he texted back, I'd be worried about what to say. If he didn't, I would spend the evening beating myself up for waiting so long. I needed the rest.

Morning dawned with a situation that I had to admit I missed more than words could say. Rose was shrieking obscenities. Even at this early hour of the morning it made me smile.

Alice was blasting _Love Story _by Taylor Swift this morning. It seemed to be a new favorite. Alice had always had a thing for catchy pop songs. It drove Rose to the brink of insanity. Rose hated pop music with a passion. She could rant on Miley Cyrus for days. This morning, Miss Swift and Alice were catching the brunt of her dislike of all things pop.

"Oh for fucks sake. If you don't turn that shit off, I'm going to come un-fucking-glued." I could hear Rose open her door and stomp out of her room into the hallway.

Just as Rose's door shut, Taylor began to sing _"You were Romeo, I was a scarlett letter"._

"Oh. Well fuck me." Rose shouted. "I didn't realize Taylor fucking Swift was a symbol of an unchaste woman in 17th century Puritan society. Forgive me for not recognizing she is the fucking method of public shaming that results from adulterous liaisons with a priest."

I stood from my bed, and tip toed over to my door. I poked my head out at approximately the same time that Alice stuck her head out of her door.

"It's just a song, Rose." _Oh, Alice. Bad idea. _I thought.

"Right, a song that MILLIONS of people listen to. The very least she could have done was read the damn Cliff Notes. Because of her ignorance I am now forced to listen to this ridiculous bastardization of literary analogy on every fucking radio station, every 26 minutes." Rose was seething. This was more than just Rose's extreme dislike for all things pop culture. She was letting Alice know how pissed she was that she hadn't been here when all the shit with Edward went down.

Alice had apologized to me multiple times, and to be honest I was never upset with her. She is allowed to have a life outside of me. How was she supposed to know Edward was going to choose that night to lay down an ultimatum that sent me spiraling into….well whatever that was? Rose was over-protective.

"I'm sorry." Alice said with sincerity in her voice. "Really I am."

I hated seeing my favorite girls fighting. "Great. Now will you two kiss and make the fuck up. I'm tired of living in a war zone."

Rose and Alice looked back at me. I motioned for them to get a move on it.

"I really am sorry. I shouldn't have let myself get so caught up with Jasper that I totally forgot about my friends. Sometimes I need you guys to pull my head out of my ass."

Rose smiled. "Yeah, you do. I'm sorry for insulting your taste in music. I mean, Taylor does have really nice hair."

That wasn't really an apology, but it was the best she was going to get from Rose.

"She has a point though," I said walking into the kitchen. "Her grasp of early American classics is… well…. It's not even there."

"Ok. Well, now that you two are finished insulting my taste in music, I have to get ready for work."

With that, the three of us set about our morning routine. Ready for work and caffeinated by their favorite morning beverages, Rose and Alice set off for work. I waited until they left and then ran to my room and picked up my cell phone.

1 new message.

_Ok._


	11. Words Meet Heartbeats

**A/N: I had a shit-tastic day yesterday, so I didn't update. Luckily, today was much better. If I'm not mistaken this is the longest chapter I have ever written. I know leaving reviews is tough, cause sometimes you just don't have anything to say. Leave a little note, and let me know you are reading. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. **

**Song for this Chapter: Words Meet Heartbeats by Parachute**

***WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.**

I chose to work from home the rest of the day; knowing that I would be a useless ball of nerves. I did manage to complete a few sample lesson plans for a presentation. I spent the rest of the day agonizing over what I would say and what I would wear to dinner with Edward.

Seeing as I had initiated this dinner, I felt like I should be prepared to explain myself. There was so much to tell. So many reasons that I felt inadequate of anyone's love or affection. So many reasons that I felt there was no reason to express my feelings for anyone else. I had major hurdles to jump and it wouldn't be easy to move past them.

By the time evening rolled around, I was a complete mess. Nothing seemed right. Ideas of what I would say to him rolled around in my head, but none of them seemed to justify waiting two weeks to finally contact him. Jeans, dress pants, skirts, tops, and dresses were hanging from all possible surfaces in my bedroom. Cotton, silk, polyester; nothing seemed to make the statement I wanted it to.

Rose made it home first, unfortunately for her.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked, as she set her bag down near the dining room table.

"I did it. Well, kind of. I sent him a text last night. I told him to meet me at Augustana at 7. I'd like to throw up."

"Wow. Maybe you should call Alice. She is better at this stuff."

"Just c'mere. I need something that says, _Yeah, I waited two weeks to contact you and when I did, it was through a text message. I might be emotionally unavailable and a complete wreck, but I'm hot. So take a chance. Again._ None of this shit says that, does it?" I gestured with my hand and then threw myself onto the bed. My head was spinning and those words had just flown out of my mouth at an alarming rate.

"Alright. Let's play a game called "Chill the Fuck Out", you go first." She said, pointing at me. Rose picked up a dark blue silk wrap dress and tossed it at me. "This will work. I've got a wrap that will go with it. Just wear the black pumps; the dress makes enough of a statement. You don't want to kill him."

Rose went to her room and returned with a beautiful black pashmina. "Don't lose it. I'll kill you." I nodded in understanding.

"Thanks, Rose." I said meekly.

"You are welcome, but you need to buck up. The whole, meek and emotionally disconnected, thing isn't what you are going for tonight. You are strong, and you know what you fucking want. Now go for it, for fucks sake."

I was pretty sure that every time the word fuck flew out of Rose's mouth, my confidence took a huge leap. I did know what I wanted. I wanted him. This didn't mean that it was going to be easy or that we wouldn't have our problems. It meant that I could finally assert myself, and say that I knew what I wanted and I was willing to work for it. I've never been there before. I've always denied what I truly wanted, for what I thought would hurt the least. I am just now realizing that I hurt myself so much more by being guarded, then by allowing myself to actually feel something for someone else.

"Alice is going to be pissed that you got to dress me." I said smiling, as I pulled on the pumps and began to fix my hair.

"I don't dress people, Bella. So, what are you going to say?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I've thought about it all day, but nothing seems like it is enough. I'm just going to wait and hope that when I see him the words come naturally."

"Holy shit." She looked like she might pass out.

"What?"

"That is the most…logical thing I have ever heard you say."

"Shut up."

"Stop and say good-bye before you leave, I want to see the finished product." She smiled and stood to leave.

"You aren't going to hang out with me?"

"Sorry, Bells. Remember that asshat construction company guy I told you about?"

I would never forget that story as long as I lived. "Lamewad?" I recalled.

"Yes. Him. Well, Lamewad's business partner called me the other day. Apparently, Lamewad, has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle. He mentioned meeting me at the conference in Boston, and has asked for my help."

"You are going to help him? Why?"

"Honestly, I wasn't going to. But his poor little business partner sounded so sad on the phone. I feel bad for him. Plus, Lamewad didn't murder anyone or eat a kitten. He's just been a little careless with his finances."

"Well, thank goodness he isn't a kitten eater. So, what's his partner's name?" I asked, unable to keep the insinuation out of my voice. Rose rarely felt sorry for anyone, so this guy must either be really fucked or really good at working people.

"Don't go there. Seriously."

"Alright, I'll back off for now. You still haven't explained why you can't hang with me while I get ready."

"I'm having a conference call with Lamewad and Lamewad's business partner. I've got a little bit of research to do before. You know, so I sound like I know what I'm talking about."

"Well, good luck. Catch me up tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I guess. Can you meet for lunch?"

"Ummmm… I think so. I have observations in the morning and afternoon, but I can step out for lunch. I'll ask Alice."

"Sounds like a date." She turned and walked out. Immediately, my heart picked up speed. Our conversation had kept my brain occupied, but it was back on track now. I had 10 minutes to finish getting ready, and 20 minutes until I was supposed to meet Edward.

My hair was straightened, my make up looked decent, and I was dressed. I stopped by Rose's door to tell her I was leaving.

Rose's conference call hadn't begun yet, but she was sitting on her bed surrounded by books. The keys on her laptop clicked away. As I entered the room, she looked up, pencil between her lips, and motioned for me to turn. She nodded her approval.

"If Alice isn't home soon, you should give her a call. She's usually home by now."

"She is a big girl, Bells."

"I know. It doesn't mean we can't care about what she is doing." I turned and walked out of her room.

"See ya later." I called, throwing a small wave over my shoulder as I walked away.

"See you tomorrow," she corrected. "I'm not waiting up for your ass."

I made it to the restaurant with two minutes to spare. I sat in my car and gave myself a small pep talk. I was trying not to have expectations, but they were there. I expected that after two weeks of no contact, the physical reaction of my body to his would calm down. I expected that he would listen to what I had to say, but not make any bold statements himself. I expected for this to end badly. Knowing what I wanted, didn't mean it was what he wanted. I needed to prepare myself.

I stepped out of the car and put my feet firmly on the ground. My eyes followed the movement of my feet across the pavement. Left then right. Rough pavement to smooth concrete. My heels clicked gently against the glossy stone tiles that covered the floor of the restaurant.

His hand met my elbow, as my eyes found his shoes. They traveled from the black leather, up his slacks, past the buttons on his blue shirt, to his eyes. Nothing could have prepared me for this moment. The heat of his palm pressed into my elbow, and his eyes. Still hopeful.

He gave me a quick smile, "Shall we?"

I nodded not knowing what else to say.

The waitress came quickly to take our drink orders. White zinfandel for me, Dos Equis for him.

"I'm sorry." The words I'm supposed to say haven't quite made their way from my mind to my mouth, so this is the best I can do.

"It's ok." He says, but the defeat in his voice tells me that it isn't.

"It's not ok. It was awful of me to make you wait so long after you laid it all out there."

"Tell me why." His eyes moved to mine and I was ready to tell him.

"At first, I was angry. You walked out the door just like my mom did. Just like I have been afraid that everyone that means something in my life will. You didn't stick around to fight it out with me, you just left."

I can tell he wasn't expecting for me to have been angry with him. Truthfully, I was only angry with him for approximately 2 hours and 38 minutes. Then I realized that he had wanted to give me space to think, and not feel like I was being forced into something.

"Then I realized that you just wanted me to think this through. It's not a decision you make on impulse, especially when you have been where I have been. So, that's what I did. I sat in front of the door you walked out of, and came up with every excuse I could. Every single thing that would keep me from being in a relationship with you."

The waitress drops our drinks off at the table, and retreats quickly without taking our orders. I can't blame her. The air surrounding our table is thick with tension and we aren't taking our eyes off of each other.

"And?" He moves his attention to his beer. Two limes. Then he begins to pick at the label on the bottle.

"I decided that I could give you a million reasons as to why I can't do this. Each of them leading to a beautiful ending of completely fucked up. Then I knew that if I gave you all of those reasons I also need to tell you that I can't breathe without you. My heart doesn't beat correctly when you aren't near me. It cancels out every reason I could ever come up with."

His hands drop from his beer, and reaches across the table to take mine. I've been unthinkingly tearing my napkin to tiny pieces as I speak. His hands envelope mine, and it's so nice to finally touch him again.

"You know most of my story. My parents screwed me up big time, and then I screwed myself up even worse. This scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid to invest myself in this, and have it end in misery."

"Don't think of us in terms of forever, years, months, weeks, all I am asking is for you to think of us today. Take it one day at a time, and just let it happen. Stop over-thinking and just let us have one day." His eyes are pleading, and I can't deny him.

"One day."

"That's all I'm asking."

The waitress returns looking sort of jittery. I imagine her manager has told her she needs to clear us out, and she hasn't even taken our order yet.

We order our food, and just before she turns to walk away Edward waves her back.

"Actually, would you mind to make that to go?" He asks handing over his credit card.

She looks down at the piece of plastic in her hand, "No problem, Mr. Cullen."

"What are you doing?" I ask, confused.

"She needs to clear the table, and I want to take you somewhere." His thoughts seemed to have made the same assumptions as mine about our poor waitress.

I looked at him skeptically. "What about my car?"

"We won't be out late," he smiled. "One day, remember?"

"Alright."

The waitress brought our food in a large paper bag. "I placed utensils inside. Have a great evening."

Edward gave a small wave and led the way out of the door.

He walked up to a silver car that I would have assumed a soccer mom drove.

"Nice car." A wry smile made its way onto my lips.

"Thank you," he said as he placed our food on the floorboard in the backseat and climbed inside. He wasn't even going to acknowledge that I made fun of his car.

We made our way to a place that Edward called Kerry Park. Being new to Seattle, I hadn't ever been before. It was breathtaking, even at night. Edward set our food up on a small brick platform that held an interesting sculpture.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

"Breathtaking."

His hand brushed lightly under my chin, "Absolutely." I wasn't entirely certain he was referring to the scenery.

He took my hand gently, "Are you ready to eat?"

We ate quickly, still allowing the conversation to flow. Edward cleared away our trash and I went to stand near the stone wall that separated us and the skyline that stretched out before us.

Edward slipped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. It was a bit forward, but it felt right.

"Tell me what you are thinking. I feel like I have done all of the talking tonight." My hands moved to rest on top of his.

"I feel like you should know that it isn't wrong to be happy, especially when you know that it is about time that you deserve to be."

I nodded in agreement. "No French tonight?"

"No. I'm surprised you didn't call me out on that."

"On what?" I had no idea what he meant by this.

"The French was a way of saying the things I wanted to say, without actually having to say them. Well, in a way that you would immediately comprehend." His chest shook softly as he laughed.

"Every time you left, I ran to my computer and translated them."

"Oh, really? And what did you learn?"

"Those on-line translators are not always reliable. Especially when you don't know how to spell French words."

He laughed, and I felt his warm breath raise goose bumps on my neck.

His lips moved close to my ear, "I promise, I can make you happy. We deserve a chance."

I turned to face him. "I can't promise you anything. I've never been in or seen proof of a solid relationship. I have nothing to draw from, but I'm willing to try. Be patient."

He smiled, and then began to place whispering kisses on my cheeks and nose. Finally, his lips met mine. Our bodies pressed together, as our heartbeats said exactly what we needed to hear.

**A/N: Give the little blue button some love. Let me know if you loved or hated. Pretty please.**


End file.
